Posted on by Belinda O

Layers and Secrets: A Message to My Friend, Part 1

The day after my brother’s wedding reception, the family and a few close friends gathered at his and my sister-in-law Ann’s apartment.

It was about as a casual an occasion as you can imagine, so I took out my knitting. I happened to be using some beautiful hand-carved needles for a project made of angora and lambswool. Ann’s friend David, an artist, took note of the needles.

“They’re a piece of art by themselves,” he commented, and graciously asked me about what I was making. In turn, I told him how beautifully he’d sung the night before, something I’m sure he was used to hearing. David has a phenomenal voice; at one time he was a soloist in the New York City Gay Men’s Chorus. Let me assure you that is an accomplishment.

We had a really pleasant conversation. Seventeen years later, I still look forward to the time we speak again. David later commented to my brother how nice I was, and my brother was  certain he hadn’t spoken to me. Nice? Not how viewed his sister.

I am nice, to a fault. But while I can be very, very good, I can also be horrid. Less so as I’ve gotten older, I suppose, but yes, I can be nasty. Family dynamics being what they are, I’m guessing this was a time when there was more tension between my brother and me than happiness.

December 2014
Friends typically are taken aback by this shot of me from Dec. 2014. I generally look so much “nicer.”

A few years ago I went through a hell I’m working hard to move past, and it changed me. Initially I found I was much better able to stand up for myself, and a layer of anger seemingly charged all of my actions. The anger still exists, but it’s only a small part of the whole now.

Sometimes, though, my anger and frustration can’t help but eak out, and I have to have a long talk with myself. I choose not to become someone who resorts to passive-aggressive tactics to communicate her feelings, but in order to do that, I have to monitor what I’m feeling and and why.

I am not someone it’s easy to get to know. I constantly surprise those who think they know me well with an offhand comment that reveals I’m not so naÏve or sheltered as they think I am. I frequently hide much of myself from others and conform to their image of me. It’s easier that way.

The blessing for me in all of this is I understand people are more complex than we often realize. I tend to be less surprised about someone’s hidden talents or quirks because I accept that that is the norm. We all have layers we hide beneath the everyday aspects of ourselves.

Layers, and secrets.

(A three-part series on Layers and Secrets.  Look for Part 2 next week!)

Layers

20 Replies to “Layers and Secrets: A Message to My Friend, Part 1”

  1. Belinda–this touched many buttons for me, also. I am not easy to get to know. I am quiet, but not shy, so I see more than I say. I use sarcastic humor as a barometer on if a person and I will get along. People are always surprised that I have this snappy sense of humor because….why? They thought I was quiet and shy. People make assumptions and what always stays in my head is this quote I heard: “It is none of your business what people think about you.” Some people are just not going to get along, so I just move on until I find someone who totally clicks with me.

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    1. I’ve gone through life with people thinking I’m sheltered and naive, and I get so tired of it. I’ve started to write parts 2 & 3 of this series and they’re going in a different direction than I envisioned…love it when my writing has a mind of its own…anyway, I totally understand what you’re saying.

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      1. I mean, you’re not pulling any punches. It takes courage and being naive in a brave way, to do so. I do the same. Its great! Soothes us I think.

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  4. I love the way you are able to be so honest about things – it is refreshing. I like to write that way and sometimes it’s gotten me into trouble. But I continue to share things like you have. Recently, my two brothers who didn’t speak to each other for 4 years were brought together again. I helped it to come about and as you’ve said, people are very complex with many layers.
    I celebrate peeling them back. You and I are good at doing that!
    ps. Would love to see those special needles and what you’ve knitted sometime. Can you take a picture?

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  5. I agree, we all definitely have layers. We may be one way with family and friends, and another way at work. I also think we add layers and peel off layers throughout time … We are constantly changing and adapting. Great post!

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  6. I understand how much easier it is to conform to others’ expectations, but around 2014, I had to just give it up. I’ve recently decided to peel away each of those layers no matter where I am. I’ve decided to be me. But I look forward to reading the other parts to see how things unfold.

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    1. I don’t like the part of me that conforms. I do it around strong personalities that push to be right regardless of the truth, because the emotional energy required to stand up for myself is sometimes more than I have available, especially as I deal with various health issues that drain me. It’s not how I recommend living, and it’s not the bulk of how I live. But sometimes I give in because I don’t have the physical or emotional resources to do otherwise. It’s my reality.

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  7. I’ve always wished I could be a little bit nasty. Instead, I’m just really good at a cold shoulder, which I, like you, have chosen to learn about and modulate, over the years.

    This is such a such a lovely, thoughtful piece, complex and well written. Thank you!

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  8. “We all have layers we hide beneath the everyday aspects of ourselves.” Truer words were never said! I’m glad you are beyond your hell and moving towards your heaven!! 🙂

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