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Layers and Secrets: A Message to My Friend, Part 1

The day after my brother’s wedding reception, the family and a few close friends gathered at his and my sister-in-law Ann’s apartment.

It was about as a casual an occasion as you can imagine, so I took out my knitting. I happened to be using some beautiful hand-carved needles for a project made of angora and lambswool. Ann’s friend David, an artist, took note of the needles.

“They’re a piece of art by themselves,” he commented, and graciously asked me about what I was making. In turn, I told him how beautifully he’d sung the night before, something I’m sure he was used to hearing. David has a phenomenal voice; at one time he was a soloist in the New York City Gay Men’s Chorus. Let me assure you that is an accomplishment.

We had a really pleasant conversation. Seventeen years later, I still look forward to the time we speak again. David later commented to my brother how nice I was, and my brother was  certain he hadn’t spoken to me. Nice? Not how viewed his sister.

I am nice, to a fault. But while I can be very, very good, I can also be horrid. Less so as I’ve gotten older, I suppose, but yes, I can be nasty. Family dynamics being what they are, I’m guessing this was a time when there was more tension between my brother and me than happiness.

December 2014
Friends typically are taken aback by this shot of me from Dec. 2014. I generally look so much “nicer.”

A few years ago I went through a hell I’m working hard to move past, and it changed me. Initially I found I was much better able to stand up for myself, and a layer of anger seemingly charged all of my actions. The anger still exists, but it’s only a small part of the whole now.

Sometimes, though, my anger and frustration can’t help but eak out, and I have to have a long talk with myself. I choose not to become someone who resorts to passive-aggressive tactics to communicate her feelings, but in order to do that, I have to monitor what I’m feeling and and why.

I am not someone it’s easy to get to know. I constantly surprise those who think they know me well with an offhand comment that reveals I’m not so naÏve or sheltered as they think I am. I frequently hide much of myself from others and conform to their image of me. It’s easier that way.

The blessing for me in all of this is I understand people are more complex than we often realize. I tend to be less surprised about someone’s hidden talents or quirks because I accept that that is the norm. We all have layers we hide beneath the everyday aspects of ourselves.

Layers, and secrets.

(A three-part series on Layers and Secrets.  Look for Part 2 next week!)

Layers

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By What Authority My Decisions Are Made

I’ve gotten used to making my own decisions, and managing their consequences. It’s what I expect out of my life, and I can’t imagine another way of living.

In recent years I’ve seen first hand what happens when a person is no longer in control of his or her life, when others control every aspect of it and let power overtake their better qualities. It’s frightening, insidious and happening every day, all around us.
Hands in jail
It happens in jails and prisons. Clearly, there’s a reason the deputies and guards must be in control, but when the jail tells you when to use the bathroom and controls whether or not you have toilet paper, a big part of your humanity is taken away. Yes, these people have committed a crime, and some would say, “they’re getting what they deserve.” But jail and prison are meant for confinement from society, not beating one’s spirit until it is destroyed.

WomanIt happens, sometimes, between husbands and wives. Men who beat their wives, whose behavior is so erratic and unpredictable the women live in constant fear their simple comments will trigger a violent attack, have taken away a vital part of their spouse’s heart and mind. It doesn’t get better, not in the marriage. The women have to leave to regain their soul, and it takes a long time.

globe-304806_1280 pixabay smAnd it happens in some countries whose leaders make a mockery of human rights and dignity. Where you are born with infinite worth yet no one will ever let you fully express your own essential self.

Today, as Americans celebrate their independence, I am thankful for my rights to make my own decisions, whether wise or foolish, to explore my options in my choice of career and even hobby, to freely write what I choose on this blog.

I know many of you who read what I post here live in other countries, and it’s important to me you know I respect and admire many of the nations on this earth and the people who are loyal to them. Patriotism doesn’t mean you reject all others, for me, it’s an appreciation of what I have and a commitment to protect those rights.

God bless us, everyone.

 

 

Autonomy

Image Credits: (hands in jail) © zurijeta — Bigstock; (drawing of woman) © retroclipart — Bigstock; (globe) Pixabay; (fireworks) © Carlos Santa Maria — Fotolia

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Dream a Little, Then Dream Bigger

Life is getting better.

Path through a mysterious dark old forest in fog

A few years ago the future seemed bleak, unpromising and frightening. I tried to believe things would get better, but I couldn’t imagine how that could happen. I just had to believe, though, had to keep my faith in God. He knew the way out.

There was a point, perhaps the lowest, when I was so broke I couldn’t afford toilet paper, and I’d used the last roll. Even if I’d had the money, I didn’t have enough gas in my car to get to the store to buy it. It was December, and it was snowing. I walked two miles to the food bank, where they gave me a roll of toilet paper, and a few other things.

One roll, that was all they could give me. Normally they would have had more, but it was a bad month for many people.

These days you can bet I’m always well-stocked in toilet paper. It’s a thing with me. I get below a back-up supply of four rolls and I panic. I even have a spare “hidden” for emergencies. Thankfully, I have the income to buy as much toilet paper as I need. Which may not sound like much to you, but as God is my witness... (GWTW fans will get that last line).
Beacon in the Storm-1
A year ago, I wrote this post about finding a new home I could afford and getting a part-time job to supplement my current income. Well, yesterday that first part happened. I’ll be moving in two months to a townhome that offers so much more than where I’m living now, for an affordable amount each month. It’s — dare I say it — perfect. I’m holding my breath, it doesn’t seem real.

What’s more, I got another housesitting gig that will cover the cost of moving. Did I mention my current least is up at the end of August? The timing, for me and my new landlord, is perfect. I have to believe God has something to do with all of this. And yes, credit to my friend Deb, who negotiated the townhome deal for me, on her own initiative. After seeing where I was living, she wanted me to find someplace safe.

Life is a journey, and some stops are better than others. I know if I’m blessed to live long enough I’ll face hard times again, but I also know I’ll have gained wisdom to get through them. Wisdom, faith and God. Thank you, God, for all three, and for friends & family who care.

Image Credits: (forest path) ©denbelitsky — Bigstock.com; (lighthouse) © Sharon B — Bigstock.com

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Seek and Ye Shall Find…some kind of weird stuff

I imagine most, if not all, of my fellow WordPress bloggers check their stats on some sort of routine schedule, including the list of search terms that lead viewers to your site.

AdobeStock_109760634 [Converted]Now, for privacy reasons, Google and other search engines limit how much we can actually learn about those chosen words. Usually we get that vague and somewhat frustrating phrase, “unknown search term.” WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME? What privacy issue can you possibly be protecting? (Okay, yes, I can figure out some of that answer. Still…)

But sometimes a term or two gets through, and it can be disturbing. I had to look one up in the Urban Dictionary not long ago. My initial findings were encouraging: it was a much outdated, not particularly popular slang phrase from a limited number of neighborhoods on the other side of the country from me. So it can still be argued I’m not totally unaware of the world around me, I’m cool, I know the lingo.

AdobeStock_111371163 [Converted]Then I looked at definition #2. Oh my. Could they possibly have been looking for something about that and landed on my blog? Big disappointment, since I’m not quite that cool.

(Out of curiosity, I entered the same search terms, and my decidely unhip post came up #1 in my Google search. Sorry folks, I don’t know what you were looking for, but I do feel certain this wasn’t it.)

You’ve probably figured out by now I’m not revealing that search term in this post. We don’t need to taint the relative purity of this blog…but heck, try this one: “dreaming of selling underwear.”

I do not know where on my blog they landed, but Google claims they brought them here somewhere. I entered that search term, too, and had all kinds of mildly and moderately distasteful things pop up, but nothing from my blog. I checked the posts people visited the same day, and I still have no clue what the link was.

If you discover it, there is a prize for you. Not from me, but I’m sure the Universe would reward you (listen to me, speaking for the Universe).

Hands down, my favorite one is this: “Walter Kitty.” That’s my cat’s name, and someone searched it, undoubtedly for reasons unrelated to my sweet baby but, hey, Walter, you’re famous! The only way it could be better would be if they searched “The Secret Life of Walter Kitty” (with a tip of the hat to James Thurber).

Image Credits: © geosap — Adobe Stock

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Madame Alexander…damn…I mean, Madam Secretary

I’ve recently become addicted to the CBS TV series “Madam Secretary” with Téa Leoni and Tim Daly.

It’s another insider-White House series, this time with Téa as the unconventional Secretary of State called to duty when the man previously holding that position goes down in a plane accident (well, no accident, but you have to watch for details about that…). She’s a former CIA operative whose then-boss is now, well, President (played by Keith Carradine).

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Téa Leoni, Tim Daly. Photos courtesy CBS-TV.

Husband Tim Daly is a world-reknowned religious and ethics scholar, and the two get plenty of play in international intrigue. Some of it’s a bit too intense for my liking — modern audiences seem to crave more of something I find distasteful — but a lot of it is very real human emotion, played with a good dollop of humor. You get the feeling the Secretary of State is just one of us. Until you look at her day.

(If you’re wondering about the title to my piece, I had to get it out front: I keep slipping up and calling the show “Madam[e] Alexander” like the damn dolls. Okay, lovely dolls, but they have nothing to do with this show in any way, shape or form. I’m hoping to break myself of this habit by placing it right out there.)

An ordinary day for Secretary of State….like the first episode of Season Two, which just finished.  (The season, that is. The first episode aired months ago.) Somehow, despite the fact that in a bizarre turn of events Secretary of State Elizabeth McCord has become acting President for a brief time, you relate to her. At least I did. In part, because, you see, poor Bess was being called upon to perform modified lyrics to a Billy Joel song at a state dinner. Yes, SING. Like me, she’s tone deaf. Unlike me, her chief of staff is (Broadway legend) Bebe Neuwirth, so she was saved.

The show is generally much heavier than that, so don’t look for anything so lightweight on a weekly basis.

bigstock--121875197 [Converted a]But here, at last, is my point. Secretary of State is a serious position. So is White House Chief of Staff.  There are plenty more such jobs, with consequences both glorious and catastrophic. And while there is no one person capable of making the perfect decision every single time for any given role, there are those far more qualified than others, more likely to consistently make strong decisions. Like any job, there is value in having experience, connections and wisdom from previous choices.

Some of those jobs, such as Chief of Staff, are appointed, and others, such as Secretary of State, are nominated by the President and confirmed by the Senate. The meaning of the process of “advise and consent” that the Senate takes on in the confirmation process varies from scholar to scholar, but in practical terms it amounts to this: the President has the greater power in choosing who will fill those positions.

And the people he or she chooses shape this country in ways big and small, change lives and bring opportunity — or take it — from others who can make a difference.

In other words, our choice of President is critical.

It’s not a favorite year for many for presidential candidates. Lately I’ve been hearing words that strike greater fear in me than anything else, “I think I’ll just stay home on Election Day.”

vote-election-day-vector-illustration_GyWJDRd_ [Converted]Don’t let this election be decided by those who don’t — or won’t — vote. If you stay home, you’re part of a movement guaranteeing the wrong man will win. It’s no longer the same party politics.

Watch Madam Secretary for a taste of the decisions our leaders will have to make. Dramatized? No doubt. Real? In enough ways that matter, yes, it is.

 

Image Credits: (Scenes from “Madam Secretary”): CBS-TV (fair use); (Building) retroclipart — Bigstock; (Vote Sign) GraphicStock.com