Tag: love

Posted on

Grief

I had so many things to share with my dad this week. I won at Scrabble, which never happens since the other women I play with are exceptionally good. The temperature hit 100 today, which is really high for the area I live in, while in Palm Desert, where he lived, it hit 101, which is kind of low for this time of year. My AC went out two days ago when it also hit 100 (they got it fixed within 24 hours, but it still got awfully hot in my apartment). I got a new sofa.

As you can see, it’s not earth-shattering things I’d be sharing with him. But it was the kind of thing that could keep us talking for two hours on a Sunday afternoon.

Only problem is, my dad died on May 4th of this year.

Most of you who follow my blog know he died after a brief battle with pancreatic cancer. It was a shock, he was so healthy, he didn’t take any medication and was extremely active. Family history said he should have lived another eight to ten years.

And now I’m battling my grief. I can’t share the simplest things with him, not to mention some of the bigger things, like leaving my job and getting my gall bladder out, both of which happened in the last month. I’m happy and I’m healthy. I want him to know that.

I know all about the stages of grief–denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I’m not sure where I’m at. I’m past denial. I’m not even sure that one lasted very long. I don’t really feel a great deal of anger and I haven’t done any bargaining. I don’t feel depressed, but I don’t think I’m fully at acceptance either. I simply miss my dad.

Today would have been the day I call him. I probably would have brought up football as well, since we’re in the pre-season, even though I was the bigger fan. He knew the game really well but rarely watched it. If there was a big game on at the time of our call, he didn’t mind if we postponed a day.

I’m lucky to have reconnected with my dad in the last few years as we had had a tepid relationship for so long. We rarely spoke, although those conversations sometimes were long, and while I knew he loved me I didn’t really feel like he had time for me. He was so busy with his life and frankly, I was busy with mine.

It was after his wife died that we became closer. I barely knew her and had no idea she’d been battling Alzheimer’s. They became virtual recluses until shortly before she died, when he finally put her in a memory care facility.

I called him every day after that for several weeks, then every other day, and eventually we got into our weekly call habit. He flew me out to see him several times and treated me like a princess while I was visiting him. We’d planned another trip for October of this year, but of course that won’t happen.

I think I will miss my dad for a long time.

Richard Ostrowski
1936-2026

Image Credits: Grief header © Anna Lurye–stock.adobe.com; Sun © mimibubu–stock.adobe.com; Happy Girl © Alena–stock.adobe.com

Posted on

Reality vs Romance

Daily writing prompt
Do you believe in soulmates? Why or why not?
View all responses

I’ve found that most people who call someone they’re in love with their soulmate are actually still in the infatuation stage of a relationship. It’s easy to see the connection then–everything seems perfect. You both like the same food, same entertainment, same kinds of pets. You were meant to be.

And that may be true. I do believe, to a certain extent, that there is a power that draws us into relationships. I have friends who’ve been happily married for forty years or more. I was there when they first met each other and lived through the ups and downs of courtship and the forces that brought them to the ultimate decision: we’ll get married.

Those friends can tell me they’re with their soulmates and I’ll believe them. You go through that many years of marriage and you’ve seen the ups and downs of life together–sometimes, perhaps, less together than you’d want to be, but in the end, you’re still with that same person.

Interestingly, though, I’ve never had a friend or relative who’s been in a long-term relationship call their significant other “my soulmate.” Perhaps, like me, they see that as a naive belief. When you’re together for a long time, you discover there are a lot of differences between the two of you, and you’re not the perfect match you initially thought you were.

That’s not to say that your relationship is bad. People are flawed, and it’s sometimes difficult to discover those flaws in someone we love. But that’s also the beauty of settling in to being together. You learn to work it out. You learn to love.

I had a boyfriend who ended up breaking up with me because he didn’t think we were soulmates. I asked him what he thought a soulmate was, and he said it was someone you were completely in sync with. You never disagreed with each other because you were destined to live happily ever after.

Yeah, he’s still single.

Image Credits: Couple Holding Hands (header) © Pete–stock.adobe.com; Birds in Love © Celestynka–stock.adobe.com

Posted on

Change Will Come

Daily writing prompt
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
View all responses

I’ve written about this before, so forgive me if you have read it already. But the best piece of advice I ever got was actually not exactly advice, but an observation from which you can draw your own conclusion. When I was in my 20s, my dad told me, “whether times are good or times are bad, we always think they’re going to last.”

If times are bad, we may not see a way out. If they’re good, we naively believe the good times will keep on rolling. I needed to hear that back then because my life was on a rocky road and I didn’t see an end in sight. By the time I hit 30, things had changed and I thought I was set for life (talk about naive!).

While my life has been on an even keel lately, I know that could change in a moment. My mom is 89 and has outlived her parents by quite a bit. I believe she’s likely to die suddenly, perhaps a stroke, and I know it could happen any day. My dad is also 89 and longevity runs in his family, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he lived another ten years. He’s very active, his mind is sharp, and he’s going strong.

But we got a bit of bad news last week about my uncle, my dad’s brother, who’s 92 and was also expected to live into his late 90s, just as their two older brothers and father had done. He has lung cancer and has been given 12-18 months to live (FYI, he’s not a smoker). That breaks my heart, and my dad is crushed as well. I hope to see my uncle in April, but there are a lot of ifs about that trip.

So you just never know what the day will bring. Tornadoes, fires, hurricanes–all of these hit innocent people on a regular basis.

But eventually the good comes back. My dad has buried two wives, one who had cancer and the other Alzheimer’s. Today, while the pain of those events lingers, he’s doing well. His long-time friends stepped up and he’s made new friends as well. He couldn’t golf much while Jeanne, the one with dementia, was sick, but he’s back to that three times a week, as well as bowling twice a week, bridge whenever he can, and bocce ball. Oh, and he works out and rides his bike on a regular basis. Like I said, he’s very active. And happy.

Of course the news about my uncle knocked him for a loop. He knows what my aunt will be facing and that hurts as well. It isn’t the time to tell her the good will come back, but hopefully his example helps her.

All we can do is live our lives.

Image Credits: Balance © Jane–stock.adobe.com; Happy Kids © mediastok.ai–stock.adobe.com; Bicycle © Lucky Step–stock.adobe.com

Posted on

Room for All

When love is the way, there is plenty of room for all of God’s children.

Bishop Michael Curry — Presiding Bishop, Episcopal Church

 

Posted on

Momentum

Ah, one of my favorite quotes, most often abbreviated to “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”:

“Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.” — William Congreve, The Mourning Bride

That shortened form keeps part of the original thought intact, but it overlooks another important idea: there is no one we despise more than the one we once loved the most.

Something every divorce attorney knows, and the best make a fine living on that understanding. The rest of us can learn from it, too. Why do I hate him so much? He shouldn’t have this hold on me anymore.

Mobile mit Herzen - der Ansto zur Liebe, PartnerschaftBecause the pendulum has swung. Once upon a time, you would have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge for him. Now, you want to push him off it.

There’s good news about pendulums. They swing to one extreme, and then to another. Then the arc of the swing is smaller, until finally, there’s no more momentum. Unless, of course, something happens to start the swing all over again.

We’ve all seen that happen, and if you pay attention, it usually happens while the pendulum still has a pretty good arc. Once it’s stopped, it’s hard to start things up again.

A thought that has application both for you who dream of the day the passion will end and you who dream of the day it will begin again with the one who’s got the power over your pendulum.

Image Credit: ©blobbotronic — fotolia.com