Tag: friendship

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The Nature of Giving and Getting

I’ve been wanting to sell my dining table for some time now, but it’s buried in the spare bedroom in my apartment. I had a plan to clean up that room and make it presentable for showing the table, but eventually I had to acknowledge that that plan simply wasn’t going to work. I have too much stored in there.

Kind of what my spare room looks like.

Now my plan is to find someone–or a couple of someones–to move the table out to the living room. It’ll take up a lot of room, but the living room is generally pretty well cleaned up and I can keep it that way.

This plan requires me to be dependent on the kindness of others, something that can be difficult for me to do. I like to take care of things myself, and I’ve done well with that so far in my life. But as I get older there are more and more things with which I need to find help. It isn’t always easy.

It’s time to take my cats into the vet for their annual exam. They hate the carriers, as most cats do, and are like poppin’ hoppies when you try to drop them in one. So I need help with that. Last year one of my friends graciously offered to not only help get them in the carriers, but she came along with me to the vet and sat with the one who wasn’t being examined. Since she feeds and cares for them when I’m away, they know her and trust her. I’m hoping she’ll be able to help again this year. But it’s hard to ask since she refuses to let me pay her for the vet trip.

I think it’s in our nature to want to be independent. I’ve been buying books for my mom, something she really appreciates. She needs large print books and the library at her assisted living facility doesn’t have many (except for the ones she donates when she’s through reading them). But it bothers her that I’m spending my money on her. I get that. I’d have a hard time with it, too. I tell her I’m glad to do it, but she still struggles with it.

I even hate placing maintenance requests for my apartment, although obviously if something needs to be fixed I need to ask for help. It’s part of the reason why I rent.

But I know others want to help, and I want to help my friends when I can. I have one friend who’s on a tight budget and I do what I can to help her, like giving her a ride if she needs it (she doesn’t drive). As much as it’s in our nature to do what we can on our own, it’s also in our nature to help. I need to remember that.

So I’ll ask for help moving that table. I need to sell it and moving it to the living room is the only way that’s going to happen. But I’ll look for ways to help others as well. Hopefully, there’s a balance there, but if there’s not, so be it.

Image Credits: Neighbors Helping © armaya–stock.adobe.com; Cluttered room © Good Studio–stock.adobe.com; Cat Carrier © olllikeballoon–stock.adobe.com; Small Car © Doloves–stock.adobe.com

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Happiness Is…Acts of Kindness

Over Labor Day weekend, a co-worker, Jennifer, received a late night call from her son. She was immediately worried when she saw his name on the phone, and hastily answered, only to hear a multitude of sirens in the background.

“What’s wrong? Tell me what’s happening!” She was standing straight up.

Her son hastened to assure her the family was all safe, but with regret he told her the shed in the backyard had burned down, and the fire had taken out part of his home.

The shed contained multiple things of value to the family, and among them were two things my colleague treasured: the family photo albums and her Snoopy collection, which she’d had since she was four. As you might guess, these photo albums contained pictures of her children when they were small, and now they were gone.

There was some good news a few days later. Two of the photo albums were salvageable, and one of them had some now much-treasured photos of her children. What’s more, a handful of SnoopySnoopys were saved. The latter happened when the crew hired to clear out the charred mess noticed this large collection, largely gone but still identifiable. The head of the crew said something to Jennifer’s son, and when he learned how valued this collection was, he told the other workers to halt and look for any Snoopys that could be saved.

A simple, yet meaningful, gesture.

I like to think Charles Schulz would have been touched by this story. Several years ago, while shopping at the local grocery store, the assistant manager commented on my t-shirt, which showed Lucy and Snoopy dancing. He told me of a time when he was little and he sent Charlie Brown–aka Charles Schulz–a valentine because he felt sorry that this cartoon character received no cards from his friends.

In return, Charles Schulz sent the boy a hand-drawn picture of Snoopy and Charlie Brown, with “thank you” written on the bottom.

“I still have it,” the assistant manager mused.

“Keep it!” I told him. Goodness knows how valuable something like that might be.

We hear how precious small acts of kindness can be, and these two stories reminded me that what may cost us very little can be prized by the recipient of our goodwill. So don’t hesitate to reach out. There are people in my world who have made a lifetime of difference, and I send silent thank-you’s to all of them.

Photo Credits: Photo Album © ulza–stock.adobe.com; Snoopy © Belinda O

The Snoopy doll pictured above is from my modest Peanuts collection.

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I Don’t Know What to Say

Today at my writer’s group I finally had a chance to share something with one of the women there. She lost her husband about a year ago to a bad fall. A few months after he died, I was idly listening to NPR during their fundraising week when one story caught my attention. They told about a donation from a group of men who had raised money in memory of a buddy. It wasn’t a large group, I found out later, maybe eight or nine men, but together they gathered more than a thousand dollars in memory of Bob, my writer friend’s husband.

I was moved to tears. I’d never met Bob, but I knew his wife from our shared love of writing. I wanted to tell her how I felt when I learned of this donation, but the time was never right. Today we critiqued a piece she’d written about him, sharing what a fun-loving man he was as well as the horror of his fall. The time, I decided, was now.

It’s hard to know what to say and when to say it when someone you don’t see often or don’t know well suffers a serious loss. A woman I had worked with for only a few weeks lost her mom to Covid in the middle of the pandemic. My co-worker returned to the job two days after her mom died, taking one day off a week later for the funeral. When I expressed my sympathy, she snapped and said, “don’t worry about it.”

I wasn’t sure about the layered meaning of her retort and her quick return to work, and I didn’t know who to ask. Later she opened up more and said she felt guilty about her mom’s death, thinking she should have done more to protect her. I understood that.

As humans, we experience the death of those we are close to. Even having gone through the death of a loved one, we’re often at a loss with what to say to others experiencing the same thing. A card is good, we know, but what happens when we see them again? Will they break down crying if we say something, and what do we do then? 

I have no answers for this. I remember when my stepdad died, a friend warned me that some people were going to say really tacky things and to be prepared. He was right. It made me wonder if I’d been guilty of the same thing in the past, and even now I wonder if I have been thoughtless in some way I’m not aware of.

We can only pray and hope for increased sensitivity and maturity. Life is a journey we take together.

Image Credit: © Butch–stock.adobe.com

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Older and a Little Bit Wiser

cat and microphone on a pink background. the cat sings into theI used to dream about being a skilled musician. In my fantasies, I could play the piano with panache and sing the most difficult songs with ease. It didn’t stop there. I could also dance.

I no longer waste my time dreaming about those things. They simply aren’t in my skill set. If I can carry a tune well enough to soothe my cats, I’m satisfied. It has to be a simple song that allows for some improvisation at the parts out of my three-note range. Those songs are out there, as Walter and Mimi, my kitties, can testify.

Today’s challenges for me focus on what I can do. I can write. I can knit. I can design sweaters and other knitted goods for myself and my family. I still have a vivid imagination, something I didn’t lose when I grew out of childhood. 

But the most important thing I can do, something I didn’t fully recognize when I was younger, is to love myself, my family, and my friends. To be there for them when they need me. To help others when they can’t help themselves, or when resources are limited. To lend my support when times are tough.

AdobeStock_210621413 [Converted]In the past couple of months I’ve been talking to my dad on a regular basis. His wife Jeanne died in December, something I wrote about earlier. It’s been a powerful thing in my life, these conversations. I hope it has been the same for him. We didn’t used to talk much, and in recent years the phone calls got shorter and shorter.

I realize now that Jeanne had been going downhill for sometime and his energy and focus was on her. I didn’t realize how bad her Alzheimer’s was–or that she even had Alzheimer’s–until after she died. I feel a bit guilty that I was so unaware of something so important, but the reality is, not too many people knew. My brother was a little more clued in, and even he didn’t know the extent of the problem.

As anybody over the age of 30 can testify, you get older, you get wiser. You see things you didn’t see before, and recognize the signs that someone needs you. Sometimes, however, reality catches up with you and you see that you aren’t as wise as you thought or hoped. That’s a sort of wisdom in and of itself.

Older and little bit wiser.

Image Credits: Sapling © Arthon–stock.adobe.com; Singing cat © Elena–stock.adobe.com;  Telephone © stock.adobe.com

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Today is World Cerebral Palsy Day–Showing Respect and Love

I’m betting most of you know someone with Cerebral Palsy (CP). I know several people as a result of formerly being a case manager for those with developmental disabilities, not to mention a friend in high school and the daughter of a co-worker now. It’s a disorder that runs the gamut in how much disability it causes, but all with CP have challenges with movement and posture.

They also have challenges with public perception.

Children, we all know, can be cruel, especially when presented with a classmate who is different in some way. My friend Leigh and my co-worker’s daughter Anna (not her real name) were teased so much all through school that they became reclusive and had difficulty making friends. Leigh found a church group and Anna relates well to adults, but not people her own age.

Anna’s mom talked to Anna’s teachers, who allegedly all said the same thing: “we’ll just make it worse by punishing the children who tease.” (Maybe that’s true, maybe not–I’m not entirely sure Anna’s mom is telling me everything there.) Many schools have a zero tolerance policy with bullying now, and hopefully that helps children with disabilities survive the turmoil of their youth.

AdobeStock_370325084 [Converted]Then there’s the opposite reaction of too much sympathy. When I worked in a bookstore, a boy using a walker came in once and headed straight to the children’s section. He asked for help once getting a book down that he couldn’t reach, and aside from my usual can-I-help-you-find-anything, that was all he needed from me. When he was ready to check out, he put his selections in the walker, and we headed up the cash register, where an older woman gushed all over him.

“Oh, you brave little angel,” she said. “You remind me of my granddaughter, and I love her so much.”

She turned to me and said, “Poor thing. His life must be so hard.” This right in front of the boy.

“I think he does just fine,” I snapped, and checked him out. I was impressed that he handled his own finances–he was probably 11 or 12–and when his mom showed up seconds later (she’d been looking for books in another section) I told her as much.

She beamed and he smiled. “He insists. He’s pretty independent.”

So there you go.

I think most of those reading this blog already know this, but I’ll say it anyway. Children and adults with disabilities, CP and otherwise, need help with the things they can’t manage because of the limitations of their disability. That’s it. The rest of it is the life stuff we all face (okay, we all need help with that from time to time) and you can’t coddle or patronize them.

That’s how you show respect and love.

Image Credits: Friendship with Heart © artbesouro–stock.adobe.com; World Cerebral Palsy Day © Waseem Ali Khan–stock.adobe.com