Perhaps some of you have been taught the communication technique of “echoing” or “mirroring.”

After listening to a colleague’s thoughts or explanation of a situation, you summarize what you heard and, in your own words, repeat it back to them, prefaced with something like, “what I hear you saying is…” I think it’s suggested for personal relationships, too, but that’s a different topic for another day.

I’d learned about this approach to understanding, but hadn’t truly had a chance to use it, when I began a new job at a major corporation in the southern U.S.  I was learning, through one painful lesson after another, that the direct approach was rarely appreciated here. Instead, a passive-aggressive, read-between-the-lines method of communication was considered professional and respectful.

For example, if someone asked for my help with a project that afternoon, and I knew my own deadline would preclude me from being available, it was best not to say, “I’m sorry, the Acme project is going to keep me busy all day. I won’t be able to help you.” The preferred response was, “As soon as I’m done I’ll come over.”

To me, it was dishonest and disrespectful to imply there was a good chance I’d be able to pitch in when I knew full well it would never happen. What I didn’t realize was this was code for, “no way will I have time for anything but my own work” and those raised in this area of the South clearly understand this convoluted language.

The lesson slammed down on me one day when I was called into a meeting with other managers in my department. They wanted to discuss a program our superiors were enthusiastic about, but was difficult to make practical. It sounded good. For one week, a manager and an hourly worker would partner together and train each other in their respective responsibilities to help understand the highs and lows of the “other side.”

In practice, this idealistic program was fraught with problems. While my colleagues agreed on the surface it seemed like a good idea, the stories they told me illustrated how frustrating it really was for everyone involved. However, it didn’t matter what they thought, they were mandated to make it work, and they were hoping I might have some fresh ideas.

hypocrite

I swear, I was a lamb.

I mirrored back a summary of what I’d heard them tell me. “It sounds like you’re being asked to manage a program you believe has possibilities, but what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t been working.”

The meeting ended with that statement. Two of the women walked out in disgust at my “rudeness.” Another sat there staring at me, as if she didn’t know what to say. A fourth pulled me aside and lectured me on professional behavior and respecting the feelings of others.

As someone who always, always considered the sensitivities of my co-workers, to a point where one of my supervisors listed “too nice” as my greatest fault, this was a shock. I struggled to understand, tried to explain the method of communication, and asked what I “should” have said.

I never got a response to the latter, and they brushed off all my explanations. In retrospect I believe there was something else going on. There had to be. I said nothing insulting, my intent and manner were respectful, practically deferential.

Yet communication is different in various regions of the country, and for that matter, the world. Those women would have fallen flat on their rears if they brought their communication expectations to a company in New York, just as I would have been told to be more straightforward.

Minnesotans pride themselves on what they term, “Minnesota nice.” You drive a few hundred miles south, and people who hear that phrase will think you’re being facetious. “You know, he was (air quotes) ‘Minnesota nice.'” What’s considerate in the Upper Midwest is blunt and coarse in the South.

How did I handle the frustrations of this communication block? After two years of the underhanded words and behavior of others in my department, I quit. I didn’t have the strength or wisdom to fight it, or the savvy to appropriately adopt the same thinking. I didn’t even fully understand what was going on.

Experts will tell you that when indirect communication is used, a knowledge of the culture is essential for understanding the meaning. That’s a challenge when you’re unaware of the depth of the cultural differences, even in your own country.

collective opinion

What we say isn’t always what they hear.

What I saw as disrespectful in what I earlier called “underhanded words and behavior,” people whom I came to respect believed was considerate, putting the other person first. Of course you don’t tell them you can’t help them. That’s rejection. So they developed this method of (as they see it) kindly saying “sorry, I’m not available.”

Communication is more than words, although some try to limit it to such. It is knowing the people around you and the environment you are living in. It is understanding when the issue being discussed isn’t the issue you’re dealing with, when to fight for your rights and dignity and when to maintain that dignity by bowing out.

It is being human, and letting others be the same.


Image credit: All © cristina bernazzani — stock.adobe.com

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7 Comments on “Clear as a Cracked Mirror

    • I’m sure moving from another country could present even sharper contrasts in thinking! I remember being in both Paris and Nice — two very different areas of France, as you know — and finding myself acutely aware of being on the outside of understanding the subtler aspects of communication. I presented the South in a somewhat negative manner, and that maybe isn’t fair, but there is that “smile while you’re stabbing me” mentality that’s very strong in some areas!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Cultural differences are fascinating. I have a friend in Europe and when I’ve shared things with her about statements clients of mine have made, she tells me that where she lives people are quite different in expressing the things I’ve shared with her. She said, “Americans seem much less reserved!”
    Anyway, it’s hard to second guess how other people will react. We can spend a lot of time anticipating, guessing and speculating. I prefer your honest “from the heart” approach. With a gentle delivery, it’s hard for me to understand why you hit so much resistance and judgment. Perhaps it was best you left that environment!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Man, oh man, do I understand EXACTLY what you’re saying. Being raised in Chicago (and in a family that doesn’t bite their tongues), I’ve been called rude in several Southern settings. I absolutely loathe passive aggressive communication. I simply do not have the time to try to read between lines or figure out what someone really meant when they said they’d come by when they were finished. For someone literal like me, I’d probably be offended the remainder of the day as I sat there waiting for help.

    Liked by 1 person

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