Posted on by Belinda O

Pain and Consequences

Thirteen years ago began the most painful period of my life. I won’t go into it, except to say people lied to me, people lied about me, and judgments were made based on those lies. 

After it was all over, I heard this over and over again, “there’s a reason for what you went through.” I still say, yeah, the reason is some people are just plain evil. However, some good did come out of it, although on the balance I’m not sure it was enough.

The main thing that happened to my benefit is I’m less likely to get pushed around. Before this, that happened on a regular basis, especially at work. I remember one of my bosses saying, “you’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever worked with–maybe too nice.” This on a job were I was accused of being too blunt by some others.

Of course, some of that bluntness came from differences between the way northerners and southerners address issues. I was trying to be nice and fair, but learned the hard way you don’t say “no” to a southerner. You say “maybe” and never address the issue again. For example, I had a co-worker who asked if I had time to help her with a project. I didn’t, and said so. I was told later by my manager I should have said “maybe” and left it at that. You say “maybe” in the north, and it’s interpreted as, “I’ll do what I can to help you.”

But I digress. Like I said, I was pushed around at work on a near daily basis. It was painful for me and painful for the people on my job who cared about me. They’re the ones who came to my defense when lies started spreading about me, and to this day we remain friends.

But after what I went through on that last job, the place where all the pain began, I toughened up. I’m still a nice person, and I catch myself being “too nice” from time to time. But not nearly as much. My manager on my current job is a fair person–she understands, for example, that there are two sides to every story–but she can be blunt, which is difficult for some people. It doesn’t faze me.

Once upon a time I would have assumed she didn’t like me because of that bluntness, and would have done everything in my power to get her to like me. The problem is, that kind of obsequious behavior generally has just the opposite result. People lose respect for you, and tend to, yes, push you around. Now I’m not saying I know my manager would do that, I’m making a general statement, but I can bet she’d lose respect for me.

If there is a reason for what I went through, something that would balance all the pain and cost to me, my family, and my friends, I have yet to see it. Maybe it helped someone else, I don’t know. I believe good can come out of evil, and I believe God works all things together, but I don’t believe it justifies what people are capable of doing.

Image Credits: Domino Effect © BillionPhotos.com–stock.adobe.com; Bad Communication © Nuthawat–stock.adobe.com; Employee/Boss © Nusara–stock.adobe.com

19 Replies to “Pain and Consequences”

    1. Thank you. It’s been a difficult process, but I was determined not to become bitter or anything like that. I’m still angry about what happened, but it’s not an anger that controls me, just something I feel every once in awhile.

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  2. I don’t know about never saying ‘no’ to a Southerner. I mean, they can be pretty blunt, too, only they disguise it with that, ‘bless your heart.’ I say it too, sometimes. But always with an eye roll so they know I am still that ornery Northerner they know and love. 😆🙄

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    1. That’s another difference between the north and the south–southerners disguise their nasty comments. Once you’ve lived here long enough, you can see through it pretty easily. And in all fairness, I haven’t found this difference to be quite as true in my current job. Unless I’ve acclimated. I don’t know.

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      1. Maybe it’s just me, but Northerners (I include myself here) can be quite cutting with their remarks. Southerners, on the other hand, are almost a riot with how they say things. When I first moved here and heard some ‘remark,’ I’d give side-eye and we’d bust up laughing. I wasn’t sure how they meant what they said, but it was so funny how they said it.

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  3. I always questioned authority in the workplace when it looked to be screwing things up, and because of that I am sure managers found me very challenging to work with. That being said, some of them on occasion took the feedback…and then took corrective action. I had a good feeling of accomplishment. I never wanted to be liked, instead just wanting to be heard and respected. For me, that was enough to hope for from the working world.

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  4. I find that challenges like you went through and overcome say more about you than the lies and liars that you came across. It’s so hard having to go through something like this but it’s a credit to you that you’re still able to see the positive and have been able to rise above it. Good for you Belinda!!!!

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  5. I, too, had to learn the difference in communication from southerners and northerners. Being from the Midwest, we are nice, but we are pretty blunt; southerners don’t tend to like that at all.
    To your overall point, though, I do believe that there’s always something to learn from every experience, and it seems like you’ve gleaned what was necessary.

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