Posted on by Belinda O

When Does the Pain Go Away?

My mom and I talk daily, usually right around noon. The conversations are generally brief, and my mom frequently comments on how dull we both are. The thing is, I don’t think I’m that dull. I just know she has little genuine interest in what I’m doing in my life.

This fact first came to light when I was nine and came home in a rush after school one day. I plopped my books down on the kitchen table and began to regale my mom with a story from the day, something I was really excited about. It quickly became apparent she had no interest in what I was saying. I asked her if everything was okay, and she told me, quite plainly, she simply wasn’t interested in the things that interested me. I was devastated.

I shut down almost completely around her after that. A few times over the next couple of years I tried again, but got the same stony attitude. By the time I was in junior high, let alone high school, I shared little with her. Every great once in awhile she’d seem to show some concern about my life, but those times were rare and generally made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t used to them and didn’t trust her.

Recently I decided to try again. I started to tell her about some of the things happening in my life, only to hear dead silence from her end of the phone. When I finished talking, she said, “Well, I’m done,” and we said our good-byes. I spent the rest of my lunch hour trying to regain my composure so I could go back and be effective at work.

I don’t want it to end this way. I don’t want her to die and to live with the regret of not having effectively communicated with her. At this point I know I have responsibility for making it work–not all the responsibility, but my share–but I don’t know how to break through.

Now we’ve run into a problem where her memory isn’t that good. Every Sunday when I call I mention that I just got back from church, and she inevitably asks, “You go to church?” as if I haven’t been going for most of my life. I tell her yes, and try to share some social thing that’s going on, because I think that might draw her in to further conversation. It doesn’t.

I hope that I persist in trying to draw her in, but I get discouraged. I’m not sure I can change this dynamic, and for that matter, I’m not sure she wants to change anything. But all I can do is try.

Image Credits: Lonely Toy © CuratedAIMasterpiece–stock.adobe.com; Church © Valenty–stock.adobe.com

23 Replies to “When Does the Pain Go Away?”

  1. Oh dang, I’m so sorry to hear this, but it sounds like you are doing what you can to maintain the communication. And talking daily is quite an achievement! Does your mom have any topics that she enjoys talking about – maybe you both can focus on those for awhile to “practice” better interactions. I feel bad that she shows lack of interest in your topics and your life, and I know that’s hurtful to you. 😦

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    1. Problem is, there’s very little I can get her interested in. She seems anxious to end the call at times. She’ll talk about my dad, but I’m not comfortable with that. They divorced more than 40 years ago, and the conversation rarely goes well. We can talk about football soon, however, so that will be something.

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  4. Hi, Belinda. Many of us share experience with relationships like these. My pain went away when I stopped seeking my mom’s validation. When I stopped believing that what she thought of me was the end all. I believe we sometimes hold onto a person’s role and that because of that role they should be awesome at it. My mom was okay. As I got older, I realized she could only give what she had. She didn’t fill her own cup. How could she fill mine? My mom stayed angry at her own life for years. She died in 2014 and nothing had changed. It took me some time but I refused to stay in pain about someone I could not change (especially after she passed). And the kicker is she didn’t want to. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” The Serenity prayer, my mantra. God’s opinion of me is all that matters. It’s where our true value lies.

    Hope I didn’t cross any boundaries sharing this.

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    1. You didn’t cross any boundaries with me. Much of what you said are thoughts I’ve had myself, but it’s been like they’re floating out there. I need to grab ahold of them and make them real. Thank you for opening up with me and sharing your story. It means a lot.

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  6. These situations are never easy. Just remember in the end you have to live with yourself and nobody else
    I know this is not the same, but my younger sister on Facebook informed me that I do not have the “skill set” to be her brother. ( Whatever that means.) That was over a decade ago, and it still hurts, but she is an adult, and she has the right to pick and choose who she wants in her life regardless of the pain she causes anyone else. So does your mother.

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    1. You’re right, these things are never easy. I’m sorry about your sister–my sister had cut herself off from the family, and that hurts. Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it.

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  10. I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my parents. Now, they are both in their 80s, so I made a conscious decision of letting go of my anger. It isn’t easy, but I try my best. I realized that they were broken people before I was born, and there is nothing I can do to make things better. Again, I do the best I can under the circumstances.

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