Years ago, it was trendy to make “dead cat” jokes. There were even books with charming titles like 50 Things To Do With a Dead Cat. As a cat lover, I was offended by these jokes, but was told I needed to just laugh at them, that I was too uptight.
I didn’t laugh. And I didn’t laugh when later, at my first full-time job, my operations manager, Bill something-or-the-other, would call me over to him because he liked the swing of my hips. Again, I was told I was too uptight, it was just a joke. Today it’s called sexual harassment, and that manager could be fired for it. Back then, even the other women told me to just laugh along with Bill’s “harmless” sense of humor.
It wasn’t harmless. It deeply offended me, so much so that I can remember what I was wearing the first time he asked to see my walk. I was eighteen and needed that job, besides, there were no company policies to protect me.
Today, as we know, such policies are the norm, in fact, many of them are the law. We see ourselves as enlightened these days in those matters, which leads me to wonder, in what areas do we still need work?
Many advocates for those with intellectual disabilities take the charge against using the “r” word, yet I still hear it plenty. I know most of you reading this blog probably don’t use it, in fact, you may not know what word I’m referring to, so I’ll just say it: “retard” or “retarded.” It’s offensive to me, and many of those who have that disability know that the word, whether directed at them or not, refers to them.
My mother recently encountered an immigrant woman who didn’t know what ice cream is. “How can she not know that?” Mom railed, with more than a modicum of disgust. “Her English is good. I guess she’s just uneducated.”
Uneducated? Because she’s an immigrant unfamiliar with ice cream? That’s not only unfair, it’s bigoted. It’s a word I hear thrown around a lot, and it’s not always said about people with a lack of education, simply people who don’t know the same things the speaker does. Let’s toss that word out of our vocabulary as well, at least when it’s said derisively. Even if people are uneducated, it’s not always their choice.
The book of Proverbs in the Old Testament speaks to some of this, referring to madmen who lie to their neighbor and then say, “I was only joking.” (Proverbs 26:19). I think that lies, in this case, can refer to hidden barbs, comments masked as harmless yet that in reality are loaded with injury.
The fact that that proverb has been around so long tells me it’s a problem that’s as old as humankind. I know it’s probably always going to be a problem with kids, but as adults, let’s focus on growing awareness and help some of those thoughtless comments go down the drain.
Image Credits: Ice Cream Cones © Vector Nazmul–stock.adobe.com; No to Harassment © IndigoElf–stock.adobe.com; In the Middle © Vitalii Vodolazskyi
My World With Words 
I am sure we could tell tales about the male managers we have had. They would all be fired now. Only one I know of actually was. Surprised the heck out of all of us.
People still say things that shock me. Only joking? No, they weren’t. Absolutely they were not joking.
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You’re right. “Only joking” to me is a trigger phrase that means the person knows their words or actions were offensive and is hoping others don’t figure it out.
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Cheers and more to you for your fabulous post! I agree with you…your statement, “Even if people are uneducated, it’s not always their choice”. Those who offer ignorant comments based on ignorance. I always want to believe in the potential and power of education. But the horrible use of the “r” word recently? Shameful. Shameful. No excuses there.
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I thought of you when I was writing about the “r” word, knowing you would understand
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I sensed that! 🥰 Grateful to have connected with you, Belinda. I love your heart. 💕
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Thank you!
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Sorry that you had to deal with that from a manager … and at such a young age Belinda. I really liked this post. It reminded me of when I was a kid and would hear bigoted comments from adults but then see them in church where Bible Verses like the one you mentioned were read. I think I realized early that some people are not as earnest as they might let on. Yes, let’s hope some of these bigoted comments finally die off. It’s time!
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Thank you, Brian. It is time. You’re right when you say some people are not as earnest as they let on–I like the way you worded that.
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I could be using it wrong, but I was thinking of a few people who came across as caring, but were the first to exclude and join in on “harmless” fun. Ugh!
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It sounds right to me!
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A problem as old as humankind. I think you are right about that — and that we can do better. Thanks for this delightful post to push us in the direction of doing better!
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We aren’t always aware of what’s offensive to others, so hopefully we can all work on being more sensitive!
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Great post, Belinda! It reminds me of people who defend slavery by saying, “Everyone had slaves” or that “Other countries had slaves.” Like, it doesn’t matter if it was what people were doing centuries ago; it was still wrong.
Awareness is the key to creating a better society. We can all do better.
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Trying to justify anything by saying “everyone says/does/did it” is a child’s excuse, and only those who are truly unaware of the offense can be excused for saying it. Much of the time, with topics such as slavery, people are trying to justify something they either won’t or can’t deal with. At least, that’s how I see it.
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