Lost & Found & the True Culprit

It’s with immense relief I can say I finally found my lost pair of glasses.

Ironically, they were very near to where I was long certain I’d find them, yet somehow I’d never looked in that particular odd spot. I finally pulled out a flashlight, and the extra amount of light did the trick.

Most of the time I wear contact lenses, and the glasses are a back-up. On occasion, however, they are necessary, and while thankfully I hadn’t had dire need of them in the two months since I lost them, the time would have come.

Piggy bank managerWith my prescription, it is impossible for me to get glasses for less than $300. Don’t bother telling me about any discount outlets or such, because they can’t or won’t deliver for less than that amount, no matter what they advertise. Since I’m out of work right now, that cost is far beyond my reach. I was getting a little scared.

I was very amused to make another discovery: a small stash of improvised cat toys under my bed, in the far corner. A loosely wound ball of yarn, a baby bootie, some crumpled up foil, among other things, were piled together, evidently placed there by one (or perhaps both) of my cats. If I had to name one of them, I’d say it was Mimi, for she is by far the more clever kitty.

It brought to mind a mini-mystery at a favorite job I had several years ago. The office had an honor snack bar in the break room, and all nine or so employees could pretty much be counted on to pay for their candy, nuts or gum, with only the occasional memo going out saying we were short by 25¢ and would the guilty party please pay up. Inevitably we’d then end up with an extra two or three dollars the next time the honor bar was traded out.

Then, suddenly, we began to be short by significant amounts. Ten, fifteen dollars. Again, the memo was sent, and again, we over-compensated for the loss (each of us certain that in an absent-minded moment we’d taken a snack and forgotten to pay). But we were perplexed. Why the sudden dramatic change? (Excuse the pun.)

Office GossipOne employee would knowingly blame another, whispering the suspect’s name in the eager ear of a giggling gossip. It began to be uncomfortable.

This went on for months, and our executive director was exasperated. The honor bar was going, he told us, no matter that we always paid up, there was a problem and he wasn’t going to tolerate it. We were embarrassed and remained confused. A dollar here, a dime there, that we could understand. But this was too much.

Then one day one of the women noticed a suspicious piece of paper peeking out under the supply closet door. She opened it up, but other than what she’d already seen, the small room was spotless.  She peered behind the door, and there was our answer. An enormous pile of wrappers, half-eaten candy and…mouse droppings.

Since that corner was hidden once the door was open, and no one ever closed the door behind them when entering the closet, our house mouse had been able to effectively hide his crime for quite some time.

We got a good laugh at how picky he was. Not a speck of any Snickers bars remained, but the Skittles and licorice, no doubt distasteful to mice, were barely touched.

Unfortunately, our executive director was not impressed we’d found our culprit and solved the mystery. The honor bar was gone by the end of the week.

Angry WomenWe’d spent months secretly suspicious of each other, quietly trying to catch the one of us sneaking off with snacks without paying. Sadly, some of that animosity remained for the rest of the time I worked there.

The answer isn’t always obvious, and people don’t always easily give up their conclusions, no matter how clear the evidence may be that they were wrong.

All you can do is live your life with integrity, and trust the gossips will do themselves in.

It sometimes happens that way.


Image Credits: (Piggy Bank) © BCFC — Bigstock; (Drawings) © marinabh — AdobeStock/Fotolia

The Matter With Sports

Once, in a college class, I casually — or perhaps not so casually — made the comment that people could afford to get obsessed about sports because the games really don’t matter. It’s something you allow yourself to feel passionately about, knowing it isn’t going to change your life anymore than you allow it.

Sports don’t matter?

That shocked some of my classmates, disgusted others (who didn’t even deign to respond), and amused my professor, who agreed with me.

Let’s look at what I think does matter. Poverty, putting food on the table or the simple ability to pay your bills responsibly. Family and close friends, especially as we grow older. Our health, whether it’s maintaining or regaining it.

sportsCertainly I understand the commitment professional coaches and players are going to have. It’s their livelihood, and a high pressure one at that. Yes, it matters to them. In fact, it’s likely to have a lifelong effect, one way or the other. So for anyone who makes a living in the world of sports, it matters, to varying degrees.

To those of us who just watch, bitch & moan, cheer at the top of our lungs and all the rest, it’s entertainment. It doesn’t matter.

I’m from Minnesota, which means I’m not used to seeing championship teams. In 1987, however, the Twins shocked everyone by winning the World Series. Their fans, and I was one of them, were euphoric. Good memories, fun to relive, but those games didn’t change my life one bit. Okay, I got a sweatshirt.

They won again in 1991, a top-notch World Series, and while the euphoria wasn’t the same (we’d been there before), it felt GOOD. Yet once again, it didn’t change my life, or the lives of too many of its fans. Maybe some won big money from ill-advised betting (a redundant phrase in my book), but no doubt the vast majority of that money was quickly spent, probably not wisely.

trophyStill, there is a certain camaraderie that develops. My mom is friends with her next-door neighbor, a reclusive man who few in her building have gotten to know, because he’s heard her yelling when the Vikings score a touchdown. He’s a bigger fan than she is and loves to talk about the game, what they did wrong and on rare occasions, what they did right (for some reason, Vikings fans never like to talk about their team has done right).

In the end, sports don’t matter, any more than your favorite television show or beloved novel does. Yet…of course they do,  because they’re  an outlet for all that does matter. It gives us a chance to vent our emotions and say what we have to say in a safe environment.

And damn it, it’s fun.


Image Credits: (Football Players) © Bigstock; (Sports Equipment, Trophy) © Graphic Stock

How to Pretend You Care About Football

Cesar and me ready for the game!For those of you who’ve seen this post already, thank you for your loyalty! It’s been a year and a half since I first posted it, and some of you are still here! You may enjoy seeing it again, and for some of you, it’s new — and timely.

Enjoy the game tomorrow!

So you’ve been invited to a friend’s house to watch the football game on their ginormous TV. Everyone is going, and you don’t feel like sitting at home alone.

I’ll never be an expert, by any definition, of any sport, but I do have some expertise in pretending to care.

First, a little insight into my own level of knowledge of the game of football, and then a few tips for getting through enjoying the game, or at least letting your friends think you do:

Some years ago,

I was late for my first date with a man who ended up being my boyfriend for an eternity. “I’m so sorry,” I said as I sidled up next to him at the bar (classy date, huh?). “I just had to watch the end of the football game. I know it’s only pre-season, but so-and-so is back from injuries and I wanted to see how he’d do.”

Condescending look. “That’s okay,” he said, “How did he do?”

I went into a two-minute recap of a game it turned out he’d watched in its entirety at that same bar. As I spoke, he had a look of increasing surprise, and when I finished he said, with a tone of incredulity, “You really do know football!”

So I know a little. However, I could have grasped only one fact about football — where the fifty-yard line is — and he would have been equally amazed. My point being, you’re probably not facing great expectations, and I can help you meet them.

50 yard line US Football s
Damn right you should be impressed.

Okay, that’s tip #1, illustrated. The fifty-yard line is smack-dab in the middle of the field going the long way. Once you’ve got that one down, here’s how to further pretend you love the game:

#2 Wear team colors

in some sort of tacky fashion. Mismatched socks will do. This will take a little pre-game research, but it’s important if for no other reason than you shouldn’t be wearing the other team’s colors.

#3 Bring a beastly yet delicious snack treat

and call it your “traditional football (name of food).” Don’t over-think this one. Remember, football fans love melted Velveeta cheese mixed with canned chili. The bar is not set high.

#4 Listen to the others gripe about the game,

and take your cues for shaking your head and saying, “you are SO right about THAT!” This tip is a little tricky since someone may ask a for a follow-up, so only do it if you dare.

#5 Every time you hear someone on TV say,

“it’s first and ten…”  yell, “FIRST AND TEN! DO IT AGAIN!”

(If someone points out the other team has the ball, smile sheepishly and say, “just another chance for our guys to sack the quarterback.” What that answer lacks in logic it makes up for with perceived quick thinking and advanced beginner knowledge.)

#6 Forget it.

You’re not fooling anyone. Take out your cell phone and text all your real friends about how bored you are.


Image Credit: (football field, w/o writing) © gomolach — Fotolia