I’m feeling like a grown-up today, and I don’t like it.

My mom had hip surgery last week, and I went to stay with her during her recovery. That’s a much shorter period of time these days, in part, thankfully, because of advancements in procedure. The surgery went beautifully, and she’s experienced only a moderate amount of pain.

christmas c 1965

Not sure what was going on here, but it was clearly important.

Until now, the day after I had to leave. Actually,  I didn’t have to leave, I planned to stay a day or two (or three) longer. But the weather was worsening, Mom was worried, and  she insisted I leave. So I did.

She also confessed that as long as I was there, she’d depend on me, and she couldn’t do that any longer. So I made the long drive home, normally one I somewhat enjoy, feeling guilty, even knowing I did what she wanted.

Or said she wanted.

It leaves me to muddle through from my home 700 miles away. She’s my mom, and I could never do enough for her. Yet I’m being called on to be responsible for at least part of her care, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m muddling with the help of others, but putting those pieces together weighs on me. Do I move to be closer to her? It’s what she wants, but is it what I want? Is what I want important here? Would I regret not moving after she’s gone? I have to make adult decisions and it’s hard.

Me & Mom Jan 2004 cropped

About ten years ago, on my birthday

Should I have insisted I stay longer? At what point, as the daughter, do I call the shots? Aside from this surgery, my mom is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She’s proven that, time and again.

What decisions lay ahead? Will she be able to live on her own until she dies? Family history says yes, but that isn’t a true predictor of her situation.

How could I move her out of her home? I couldn’t.

I’m feeling like an adult, and I don’t like it.

 

 

14 Comments on “Feeling Grown-Up Ain’t What It Used To Be

  1. Belinda, this was sort of my situation a couple of years back but with some differences…my mother was living with a man she had spent 35 years with (not my father…they divorced in 1974). She broke her hip badly and had a very unfriendly residence for that sort of recovery…of which the hip eventually didn’t recover well at all by the way. She had no business being in that house but she had someone living with her who she was sure could help her continue living in her home. Truth is I knew she was fixated on staying in the home regardless so I didn’t interfere in either her life or her relationship. I lived but a few miles away so that certainly was a positive dynamic in the situation. But as I learned first hand during this time I would have had to literally drag her out of that house if she was alone…or if I “interfered.” In May 2014 she was diagnosed with a terminal condition and passed in November of that same year. She got her wish to live out her life at home aside from a couple of days at the very end. The thing is from the time she broke her hip she should have moved out of that house because even with her “husband” there it was not safe. She was alone at times. I hated the position I was in and felt very “adult” then…and I hated it. Each situation is truly unique but I can sympathize with your discomfort.

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    • It’s hard and fortunately I’m not having to make a decision today. Hopefully not for a long time, if ever. She has a good living situation now and I hope I never have to change it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh these decisions are so hard to make. They’re part of adulthood, though.
    Get well soon to your momma! Prayers for her, and for you too! 🙂

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  3. My mom broke her hip the other year, and has rheumatoid arthritis. We never thought she’d walk again, but she’s up and walking. (And driving.) She had a pin put in her hip and it did the job. So you never know. And as you say, the decision about your mother doesn’t have to be made today. You were there when she needed you, and that’s the main thing.

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  4. Worrying about my 85 year old mother, who lives with one of my brothers, made me stay in the area after I lost my home and the end of 2015 so I got an apartment 40 miles away but feels super far. I was heading towards the upper peninsula of Michigan but she now acts like I shouldn’t have stayed down here because of her and she’s just fine with my brother helping her. Decisions, decisions! I usually end up doing the right thing somehow. God bless!

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