Pieces of the Whole
Emotionally drained. When will this end?
Unfair is unfair. I’m being treated like less than I am because of the vile ego of others.
I face moments of great stress and fear because others wouldn’t let go when the facts said, “you are wrong.” Make this right.
I’m tired, fragile. I thought it was past me, but it lingers.
God grant me the strength to survive this hell.
And God, rain fire on those who abuse their authority.
And grant me the strength, and desire, to forgive.
During our “break-up” talk, my now ex-boyfriend did everything he could to hurt me. One comment, however, had entirely the opposite effect.
“You’re kind of…offbeat,” he said, in a tone clearly not meant to be complimentary.
“Yes, I am,” I replied with a smile. Truer words were never said.
A junior high crush worded it differently, and at the time, it did hurt. “She’s different,” he told my friend when she asked the crucial question, “do you like her?” I felt like an outsider then.
As part of my offbeat side, I’ve always been drawn to the campy. While my wardrobe is actually fairly conservative, in fact, at this point, one might say, boring, I easily could have become known for a flamboyant style. Back in high school my life-long love of classic films began, particularly the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers films of the 30s. Their second to last movie with RKO Pictures, Carefree (1938), featured Ginger in a couple of outfits I desperately wanted to emulate.
Carefree is not the best Astaire/Rogers film, either in plot or dance numbers, but this sweater caught my attention. It’s actually a bit, well, tacky, compared to what Ginger normally wore, but is true to the character, who has the hearts & minds of a variety of men and can’t make up her mind whom she cares for most.
If you can’t tell from the picture, it’s a picture of a heart with numerous arrows aimed straight for it. It also has what is, on me, a flattering neckline, and slightly puffed sleeves, a look I favored for a time in my teens (hey, it was stylish then, I swear.)
I probably wouldn’t wear it today, but the sweater still makes me smile. It reminds me of a time in my life that, like the title of the movie, was carefree. Yes, I had my concerns and burdens. It was not an easy time in my life. But when it comes to adult responsibilities, I had few.
Life was ahead of me. Choices were exciting, opportunities were boundless. There are still choices and opportunities for me, but my life no longer stretches in front of me. My health limits me at times.
Still, I look for that desire in my life to create something new and exciting, modified for the times yet not compromised. Perhaps it’s time to watch Carefree again.
Life is getting better.
A few years ago the future seemed bleak, unpromising and frightening. I tried to believe things would get better, but I couldn’t imagine how that could happen. I just had to believe, though, had to keep my faith in God. He knew the way out.
There was a point, perhaps the lowest, when I was so broke I couldn’t afford toilet paper, and I’d used the last roll. Even if I’d had the money, I didn’t have enough gas in my car to get to the store to buy it. It was December, and it was snowing. I walked two miles to the food bank, where they gave me a roll of toilet paper, and a few other things.
One roll, that was all they could give me. Normally they would have had more, but it was a bad month for many people.
These days you can bet I’m always well-stocked in toilet paper. It’s a thing with me. I get below a back-up supply of four rolls and I panic. I even have a spare “hidden” for emergencies. Thankfully, I have the income to buy as much toilet paper as I need. Which may not sound like much to you, but as God is my witness... (GWTW fans will get that last line).
A year ago, I wrote this post about finding a new home I could afford and getting a part-time job to supplement my current income. Well, yesterday that first part happened. I’ll be moving in two months to a townhome that offers so much more than where I’m living now, for an affordable amount each month. It’s — dare I say it — perfect. I’m holding my breath, it doesn’t seem real.
What’s more, I got another housesitting gig that will cover the cost of moving. Did I mention my current least is up at the end of August? The timing, for me and my new landlord, is perfect. I have to believe God has something to do with all of this. And yes, credit to my friend Deb, who negotiated the townhome deal for me, on her own initiative. After seeing where I was living, she wanted me to find someplace safe.
Life is a journey, and some stops are better than others. I know if I’m blessed to live long enough I’ll face hard times again, but I also know I’ll have gained wisdom to get through them. Wisdom, faith and God. Thank you, God, for all three, and for friends & family who care.
Image Credits: (forest path) ©denbelitsky — Bigstock.com; (lighthouse) © Sharon B — Bigstock.com
Literally. I mean that literally. Rather than sitting here writing, I should be picking up, tossing out, throwing in the laundry…you get the idea. I was house sitting for six weeks, and came home only periodically. When I did, it was generally to dump something into one room or the other, and leave.
I didn’t plan to do things that way. But first my computer crashed, and all that equipment is sitting in a pile in the corner, along with the box the new laptop came in (and the DVD player box…it’s a slim laptop with no DVD playing capabilities…grrrr). Then I learned Hancock Fabrics is going out of business, so I bought a few yards of fabric at a great discount, and that’s sitting in a couple of bags on top of the sewing machine table. Not to mention I haven’t completely unpacked from house sitting.
But this has been a good thing. I finally was able to get my tooth fixed properly, and when my computer crashed I could afford a new laptop. Now I’ve got a small savings account toward all the things I need to get in the near future and any kitty-cat emergencies. It’s a lot easier to save when you’ve got some savings started.
Life is good right now. Yes, there are some question marks. But I have my friends, my cats and hope, and that’s enough.
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You have your goals, you have your dreams, you are even taking steps to achieve them. Yet due to circumstances beyond your control, whatever they may be, you are currently in limbo. Someone or something else has power in your life right now, and you cannot move forward in the way you wish because of it.
What do you do when your dreams have to wait?
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Look for other fulfilling options. Unless your dream is incredibly specific, there may be multiple ways to make it come true. If you have a particular talent, look at all the ways you could use it. You don’t have to seriously consider all opportunities, but don’t cut yourself short due to a limited focus.If you’re in limbo, rest easy. I trust it will end someday in my life, and yours as well. In the meantime, one step forward is better than standing still.
My World With Words 
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