It All Adds Up the Same

I’ve spent some time, not a lot, but some, imagining what my life would be like now if I’d made different decisions.

It happens most often at night, when I’m alone and not much is on TV, none of the books I have appeal to me and I simply cannot play one more game of solitaire on my phone. I sit and ponder. What makes me who I am? My experience, my heart, my intentions, my choices? I suppose all of it.

night-at-homeSome of my worst decisions have led to the greatest breakthroughs in personal growth. Would I be a better person if I had not done such a foolish thing? 

Or would I be making the same mistakes, leaving myself with a level of immaturity I can’t get past? Or is it those mistakes that led to the unwise behavior in the first place? How do our thoughts, actions, beliefs and fate all play together?

The consequences we face are sometimes unknown, unforeseeable. There are those seemingly small errors in our ways that lead to lifelong reminders of that one errant deed, and potentially catastrophic actions that pass by almost unnoticed…and we forget…until there is a gentle reminder, and we breathe a sigh of relief that it didn’t happen the way it could have.

There are those who face mental illness, and they sometimes make what seem to them like logical decisions based on misperception because of the way their brain functions. I’m not talking criminal behavior here, although that certainly does apply, but day to day actions that have an impact on happiness and quality of life.

whats-up-little-bugI could overanalyze this, because here’s the bottom line: as much fun as it is to watch a movie where someone is given a chance to go back in time and change the path of their life, that would be a huge gamble. What if I hadn’t married the man who betrayed me and married the one who got away instead? You probably don’t know the second man any better than you knew the first when you married him. It could have been an entirely different sort of disaster.

I am who I am. If it hadn’t been this mistake, it would have been another. I still would be me. And I’m okay with that.


Image Credits: © sapunkele — fotolia


Or

Break Gently

“funny how our hearts
were designed
to love
so fiercely.

but break
ever so gently.”
― Sanober Khan

Break gently, heart of mine.

I will not love again until I am certain I won’t make the same mistakes.”

But I can never be certain of that, for I am always the same person.

And I will love again.

I will.


Photo Credit: © Prakapenka — Bigstock


Fierce

Layers & Secrets, Part 3: You Will Always Be My Friend

Dear Friend,

I know you have a secret, and I’ve got an idea what it is. Whatever it may be, it doesn’t matter to me. You will always be my friend.

AdobeStock_108510898 [Converted]We’ve had ups and downs in our friendship, and I’ve taken the blame at times when I wasn’t at fault. I finally figured that out. But here’s the thing: I don’t blame you, either. Life is complicated, and the blame is widespread. You’re doing the best you can.

You’re a complex person. I like that.

When you want to talk, I’m here.

Your friend,

Belinda

Image Credit: ©geosap — Fotolia

Carefree and Campy

During our “break-up” talk, my now ex-boyfriend did everything he could to hurt me. One comment, however, had entirely the opposite effect.

“You’re kind of…offbeat,” he said, in a tone clearly not meant to be complimentary.

“Yes, I am,” I replied with a smile. Truer words were never said.

A junior high crush worded it differently, and at the time, it did hurt. “She’s different,” he told my friend when she asked the crucial question, “do you like her?” I felt like an outsider then.

As part of my offbeat side, I’ve always been drawn to the campy. While my wardrobe is actually fairly conservative, in fact, at this point, one might say, boring, I easily could have become known for a flamboyant style. Back in high school my life-long love of classic films began, particularly the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers films of the 30s. Their second to last movie with RKO Pictures, Carefree (1938), featured Ginger in a couple of outfits I desperately wanted to emulate.

carefree2
Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers

Carefree is not the best Astaire/Rogers film, either in plot or dance numbers, but this sweater caught my attention. It’s actually a bit, well, tacky, compared to what Ginger normally wore, but is true to the character, who has the hearts & minds of a variety of men and can’t make up her mind whom she cares for most.

If you can’t tell from the picture, it’s a picture of a heart with numerous arrows aimed straight for it. It also has what is, on me, a flattering neckline, and slightly puffed sleeves, a look I favored for a time in my teens (hey, it was stylish then, I swear.)

I probably wouldn’t wear it today, but the sweater still makes me smile. It reminds me of a time in my life that, like the title of the movie, was carefree. Yes, I had my concerns and burdens. It was not an easy time in my life. But when it comes to adult responsibilities, I had few.

Life was ahead of me. Choices were exciting, opportunities were boundless. There are still choices and opportunities for me, but my life no longer stretches in front of me. My health limits me at times.

Still, I look for that desire in my life to create something new and exciting, modified for the times yet not compromised. Perhaps it’s time to watch Carefree again.


Carefree

Reality, Thou Art a Factor…and a Blessing

Drive. Motivation. Passion.

“Find your passion, then do it. If your passion is your job, you’ll never work a day in your life.”

typing-690856_640Oh, baloney. You are going to work, no matter how much you love your job. There are going to be days you dread going into the office, or workplace, regardless of how much overall satisfaction your career provides you. There are going to be parts of your job that annoy and dismay you.

I believe in finding a job you care about and can do well. That isn’t always easy to figure out. For that matter, those perimeters can change as you age and grow. Then there’s always those factors over which you have little control: your boss’s style of management, your company’s business standards and ethics, the economy and its effect on your chosen profession.

Sometimes you have to take a really crummy job to make ends meet, to fulfill your obligations to yourself and your family. Following your passion doesn’t necessarily pay the bills, so you’d better figure out how you’re going to do that as well.

I’m a creative person. Typically, creative jobs don’t pay top dollar. Yes, there are exceptions, and God bless those who can make a fortune with them. But for the most part, even in the creative fields, you don’t make as much if you’re doing the actual creating. The jobs that bring a measurable amount of income to the company get the big bucks.

Bureaucratic Red Tape ProblemIf your passion is in social services, and that’s a field that has a lot of passionate people in it, you can make a decent living, but don’t expect to get rich. And do factor in a lot of pain and frustration as you face red tape and roadblocks in your efforts to change your corner of the world.

Here’s the payoff, though: if you’re creative, chances are you can do a lot of things for yourself that may otherwise cost a lot of money. I sew all of my dresses, and even factoring in the projects that don’t work out, I save tons there and have some really cute clothes to boot. I make my own curtains, throw pillows and any number of other home accessories for a lot less, too. And my home is nicely decorated.

If you care about helping people, your job can change someone’s life. The woman who, until a recent job change, ran the local Head Start program, made some major differences in meeting nutritional needs for my poorest neighbors.

She tells a story of two little girls whose mother had a job doing housekeeping for a local fleabag motel. Part of her compensation was a room for the small family.  There wasn’t too much of a paycheck after that was deducted from her earnings. As a result, the girls, who got two meals a day when in school, didn’t eat at all over the weekend. At all. Nothing.

Their mother was eligible for food stamps, but didn’t have transportation to make it to the local DHS office, or any of the food banks. Besides, she had to work seven days a week from 7 in the morning to 6 at night. Illegal, yes, but she wasn’t going to complain and lose the only job she’d been able to find.

people waving hands

So Brenda went to local businesses and came up with a program that gives these children at least some food to take home on the weekend. It might not be the most nutritional fare, but it’s reasonable enough. It’s food that doesn’t require electricity to prepare, because a lot of these families don’t have power in their homes.

That’s a job worth having. It’s frustrating, demanding and comes with a lot of criticism no matter what you accomplish. But you do accomplish something, some days, so your drive and motivation to accomplish more is fed enough to survive.

Pithy  sayings such as “Find your passion and do it” have their value, but life is more complicated than a six-word quote. Still, there is truth in them. Consider the reality and then, find your passion. Do it.


Photo Credits: (hands typing)  Pixabay; (red tape) © digitalista — Bigstock; (helping hands) © Syda Productions – Fotolia


Drive