For some time now, I’ve been depressed. Not serious, suicidal-type depression, but a low-level unhappiness that has manifested itself in several unhealthy ways.

The most obvious is the stress eating. I hate to say it, but chowing down a share-size bag of Peanut M&Ms is satisfying (share-size, my butt). It makes me feel better. The problem is, I can’t eat like I used to without gaining weight. I’m finding it more and more difficult to fit into the clothes that used to flatter me so.

It’s not that I’ve gained a ton of weight. I’m about eight pounds heavier than I want to be, although truth to tell, eight extra pounds on me somehow looks like twenty extra pounds on your average woman. I guess I gain it in my face and tummy first, which gives one the appearance of bulk. Extra, unsightly bulk.

I’m working on changing this, everything from using the ladies’ room on the far end of the building to (yes) cutting down on the M&Ms. I’d like to cut them out completely, but I’m afraid my eventual response to that kind of deprivation would be binge eating.

My depression hasn’t stopped me from pursuing goals, but it’s slowed down things like writing for and participating in blogging. I don’t see glorious hope in the future. I don’t deny the problem; I’ve dealt with serious depression before. I have to wonder about all the people out there suffering from the same thing, whose lives are muddled by vague thoughts such as, “if I died today, no big deal.” Perhaps they don’t know it’s depression, it’s an illness, it can be treated.

Depression can be circumstantial, but it isn’t always. For me, circumstances are getting better, but I’m still down. I’m getting help, I’m taking steps to change.

But the struggle continues.


If you face these same problems, please seek help from a licensed professional. It isn’t something that can be helped by motivational speeches or a determination to push through the sadness. While these are difficult times in the world without sound leadership, that’s not the problem, either. There is hope, even though believing that may have to be an intellectual exercise for the time being. 

13 Comments on “Muddled and Down

  1. I hope you feel better soon. I applaud your honesty! It’s hard to talk about something so personal. I’m currently struggling with depression too. I just lost my beloved cat, and I can’t overcome my grief. Like you said, I still function but I feel stuck in a rut. Some days are better than others …

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Belinda, I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. I have gone through a lot with managing my eating. Even though I lost 40 pounds last year, I’ve been frustrating to find out I’m pre-diabetic – despite making so many positive changes. I’m realizing that as an older woman my body is rebelling and showing me what I really need to do. Just today I started researching the changes I need to make in my eating. I was so frustrated and angry about it, but now I understand how important it is for me to reduce inflammation. I’ve had a lot of joint pain in my feet, lately.
    I say this because I do believe that sugar can contribute to mood swings and a lot of problems. I’m hoping I can find an alternative way. My daughter is now an avid vegan and that’s not going to be me. I think we all have to find something that works.
    Being depressed is an awful way to live and my heart goes out to you. I think you will find help and I admire your ability to express this all with honesty. Sending you a huge hug!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Judy. I’ve been researching diet and the effect it can have on various aspects of my life. It isn’t easy to change lifetime habits, but it may be necessary. I’m easing into it slowly. Some of the suggestions aren’t going to happen, but others I take to heart. So onward…

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  3. Taking steps is all you can do, one day at a time! And I totally agree with you on the share size, serving suggestions are so crazy. haha But I have recently also tried to be more healthy and cut back on what I know can’t be good for me. It’s tough but a little at a time right!? Better to start today than a year from now 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • One day at a time is right. I can’t plan further ahead than that! I did go shopping today and made some healthy choices…but choices are made every day.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Belinda–this was a painful read. Last year with my surgeries, I was depressed. What is it with the M&Ms? That was my go-to snack also.
    Hope this all resolves. Take care, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Brenda, I don’t have any advice to give, just my firm conviction that you will find your path out of the dark forest.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. I believe it will get better. I’ve been here before and the most discouraging part is feeling like it will always be this way. But I have to remind myself that isn’t the case, there is a light.

      Liked by 1 person

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